The peace process…2 magic questions & 1 secret premise
Marketing advisors always say that someone in my line of work should have a process, and that it should be clear enough to explain to someone in a few minutes or less, which should bring with it an unambiguous understanding of the specific problem it solves. Some people get very good at this sensibility.
Honestly, I tend to resist it, because it doesn’t feel right to me for what I seem to bring to people when I help them. I always come down to the sense that it is more my perspective than my process that makes conversations with me helpful and worthwhile for clients and their organizations. And how do you break down a perspective? It’s pretty much impossible. Instead you try to help people feel the energy that comes from it so that they’ll crave a more potent and personalized version in a space that’s all their own. Insider baseball - that’s my essential marketing challenge. Likely always will be. Many of you don’t have this challenge, which is enviable! 😄
But, here’s the closest thing I can give you.
I’ll call it a RESULT, a PROCESS, and the PREMISE on which that process is based.
The RESULT, what I give to my clients, is peace. A kind of sense of being right with themselves and the world. Or at least understanding why they’re not and knowing which steps they might take to move in that direction, which is just as important.
Are you at peace? There’s no right answer. I think it’s what most of us desire, but there are countless legitimate reasons that people struggle to find it. Some are within their control, many are not. And the fact that human life is shaped as it is means that we can’t really ever have it. Our collective challenge is that we are thrown into the fray with countless other humans who are also looking for their own little slice of peace. Paradoxically, and ironically, all interpersonal conflict, on every level we know, comes from different people pursuing peace in their own ways. And you just need to laugh at that absurdity. But clients feel more peaceful after they talk to me. I don’t think I’ve seen a counterexample of that. And it’s a peace that comes from empowerment - a clear understanding of why they are not at peace, and exactly which related Actions are under their control. That’s the RESULT.
2. The process. It’s simple. Just 2 questions, in fact, that I ask in different ways again and again.
“Tell me about your life.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
Then I listen. I empathize. I think. I synthesize. Just for you.
That’s the process. Just because it seems so simple doesn’t mean it lacks impact. Quite the opposite. Clients routinely tell me it’s one of the most important conversations they’ve ever had.
We all experience life from our own perspective. It’s the only way we ever can. We inhabit countless situations, cultures, and energetic dynamics. And we all have a perspective on each of them. And all of these situations create feelings in us. We ALWAYS have feelings, at each and every moment of our life. Do you notice that? How do you feel right now? You can always observe your feelings.
So, why do you feel that way? Is it a feeling you want more of, or less of? If it’s more, what can you control to make more? If it’s less, same question. And why do you feel that way? That’s where the work happens. It’s in the WHY. That’s where we move from feeling to thinking. Read the previous 2 posts to learn more about that distinction. That’s the PROCESS.
3. Want to know the secret premise? It’s the most important part. It’s also why people feel safe talking to me on the level that we do. Ready? Here it is.
Feelings are never wrong.
Got it? Read that again.
Feelings are NEVER wrong.
If you’re feeling it, you’re feeling it. And it’s true. As long as you’re not lying about the way you feel, it is valid data about the human condition. And then we can ask “why”, and then we can get to work, figuring out what you can control, and what would be best to start changing. It often comes down to just a couple focused tasks, and sometimes even just one task to start unraveling the tangle.
Don’t forget this. Feelings are NEVER wrong. Thoughts can be wrong. Conceptions can be wrong, and often are. Sometimes we rationalize, and read into things, creating reasons that aren’t there, and these create feelings. The feeling is real, but the reason is not. Fix the faulty reasoning and the feelings change, typically in a positive direction. That’s the secret PREMISE.
This kind of process is new, by the way. Yes, people have always been driven by their feelings, whether they acknowledged it or not. But there is something special about the time we’re in. We’re able to observe and talk about our feelings in ways that were discouraged before. That’s a good thing. It’s a therapeutic golden age of sorts, and one in which it is possible to turn the whole human race into one big support group - then we truly WOULD all be at peace, if it was possible…
Had you lived in 1800, you would likely have been much more neurotic, prone to madness from sublimated feelings you avoided looking at and were discouraged from talking about with anyone. It’s a different time, and for that we can be grateful.