Why it's hard to know what YOU want 🤔
So many coaches and mentors ask “what do you want”. That’s where it starts.
But to me, this question is paradoxical and nonsensical.
The reason is simple. There is no YOU.
Sure, you are a person. You exist distinctly from others. You have agency.
But it doesn’t make sense to refer to you out of context, because YOU are created by the context.
Some mystically-inclined folks like to refer to the human experience as the universe observing itself. I get that. I don’t necessarily use those terms, but I understand it. It reframes our human experience to include not just SOME of the context, but ALL of it.
The paradox is this: you can’t discern what you want without bringing in other people. It’s unavoidable.
I talk about the self only because you are the active agent who enacts and pursues this, but it can’t stay there for more than a moment. The reason people struggle with the question of “what do you want?” is that they quickly shift to thinking about their relationships with, interactions with, and visions for other people that their lives touch. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s unavoidable, and so we must expect it and calibrate our vision to face it head-on.
Here’s my solution to this paradox. We must discern our desires on 4 levels beyond the self, and only then can we truly describe what we want for ourselves, because it is on those 4 levels that we truly see our role in the universe, which we call Purpose.
We use the -rations to discern the difference we want to see as we approach our ideal in all these realms.
FRUST-ration is what you have but don’t want.
ASPI-ration is what you want but don’t have.
You need to answer those questions in each of the following 4 spheres of leadership influence:
Family
Team
Community
Global
…and only then will you truly know what you want for yourSELF. Because there is no self. It’s ALL relationships. And this is why it is difficult to discern what you want. Because it’s impossible to remove all the other lives you touch, indeed the entire universe, from that equation.
This is why growth and pursuing personal desires is ALWAYS an act of leadership, entrepreneurship, and creation, 100% of the time. No exceptions.
There is no self, only our relationship with others. What we want is ALWAYS in the context of improving life for others, and that is how our own lives are improved.
So, what do YOU want? 😄