A Reflection on Personal Authenticity
I was talking to my younger son the other day. Arthur. You can hear him in A Higher Level ⬆️ Episodes 8 & 17. I love the way he thinks. We share a very similar philosophical wavelength and I often find that he arrives at the same conclusions about the nature of existence and the human condition as me.
But that’s not the only thing I love about him, or even what I love most. Far from it. I told him that what I admire most about him is his way of being his absolute authentic self at all times and places, no matter who he is with. I don’t know how he does it. It’s a super power, and his greatest gift. If people love him, that is why.
Granted, it’s not always easy for him or others. Not everyone likes it. Structured school was a particular challenge for him (and his teachers!) although we didn’t quite see that until the pandemic broke us out of well-worn patterns and showed us the possibility of a different approach. Now we very intentionally design his schooling in line with his strengths and preferences, and we’re all happier for it.
Arthur is still young. And I truly hope he is able to keep this flame alight for his entire life. I’m not sure what that will look like, or what will be possible for him. All I know is that I am glad to be his dad, guiding him along this journey as we all travel into a future that is uncertain, but also full of wonder and promise, working together in an era with unprecedented challenges and opportunities.
When I told Arthur what I admired about him I found his response interesting and thought-provoking. Here are the two parts to what he said:
I don’t know how to be any other way
I can tell when you and Mama are modulating your authentic selves in the interest of building social capital
He didn’t exactly express point #2 that way, but that’s the meaning that I took. Arthur’s instinctive mastery at being himself brings with it a strong, clear sense of when other people are being fake, phony, or inauthentically motivated.
Now, as I said, I found this interesting and thought-provoking, and it prompted some self-reflection. I wasn’t hurt by it, nor do I intend to do things differently, but it has raised my level of awareness and self-examination.
It also reminded me of something my older son, Henry, authentic in his own way, told me a few years ago after listening to me teach some music lessons. He said (paraphrasing) “Your teacher persona is different than what I usually see. You have more energy and dynamic contrast in your voice. You act more excited and interested in your students than I tend to see around other people.”
He made a similar observation when he once saw me “go into salesman mode” at a small business that was in need of digital marketing services, back when that was something I offered.
It’s all thought-provoking. Our kids notice a good many dynamics, and they’re forming their own theories of socialization, economics, governance, and so much else based on the input we give to them, often, and perhaps even most of the time, without realizing it.
Is this bad? I don’t necessarily think so. These are roles I have had to play in order to build a music school and marketing company. Is this coaching brand closer to my “authentic self”? Yes, without a doubt. Is it my, “pure unadulterated” authentic self? No, not quite. Does anyone actually see that? No. Do I see it? Maybe. I’m honestly not entirely sure. I actually wonder if the concept of a “pure, unadulterated, authentic self” is even coherent or meaningful, because I feel like we’re always modulating to conform in some way to those with whom we need to build social capital. The moment we’re with anyone else, they see a slightly different version of us. And this changes, often subtly and imperceptibly with each new person added to the mix. In other words, I’m one way with Henry, another way with Arthur, yet another way with both of them, and an even different way when their mom is with us, etc. That’s human dynamics, as far as I’ve come to see them. Each person is a new energetic bond to our soul and psyche, and creates a different chemical compound. Of course we change a bit. That’s why I like to say “there is no (SELF)”. And yet, paradoxically, we can build a life in which our authentic self is more comfortable. I’m not sure how to reconcile this seeming contradiction.
So, is it coherent to speak this way about Arthur? I’m not sure about that either. And inevitably he will need to modulate somewhat and somehow in order to work well with others. We can’t flourish or even exist in isolation. We all have “bosses” of some kind, either employers, clients, donors, or constituents and these people (not unreasonably) have expectations of us, just as you have expectations of those who serve and represent you. When those expectations are satisfied or, better yet, exceeded, we are rewarded with capital of various kinds (financial, social, status, freedom, responsibility, etc.).
Can social capital ever truly flow in abundance to our “pure, unadulterated authentic selves”? I don’t know, but I think that’s the question I am here to help Arthur, and others, very intentionally investigate and answer.
This is more a reflection than a structured argument, because the nature of our beings as social creatures is so often ambiguous, dilemmic, and paradoxical.
In spite of what I see as Arthur’s great strength, I don’t necessarily feel inauthentic for the social he often sees me playing. And yet I also see “authenticity” as a particular strength for some people, like him. Still, I know that he will inevitably need to modulate in certain ways as he plays the social game with more focus and begins the quest to accumulate his own social capital.
For some the feeling of authenticity is a crucial barometer and indispensable component of success. Perfect authenticity is probably not possible, but if you feel that it’s a need you must honor your drive for authenticity in order to be satisfied, all the while acknowledging that you will never quite reach it perfectly. This is a process to which I can very much relate.
No matter what kind of “authenticity profile” you personally inhabit, I honor it and see its importance to your happiness and success, even if it is so often ambiguous, and inevitably imperfectly realized.
But spend some time with Arthur and you will see that it is indeed a gift he has 🥰