Reframing “Selfishness”
ChatGPT Summary:
The article challenges the concept of "selfishness" by highlighting the inherent interdependence of human existence. The author argues that personal desires and achievements are always entwined with relationships and cooperation. Examples, like personal fantasies and ambitions, underscore how individual goals inevitably involve others. The author contends that in today's world of freedom and abundance, achieving one's objectives relies on collaborative agreements with others, rendering the idea of selfishness obsolete. Emphasizing the importance of sustaining agreements, the article encourages readers to envision their ideal lives and work cooperatively with others, blurring the line between self and others and dismissing the notion of "selfishness" as irrelevant.
Reframing Selfishness
A conversation that I have had in some way with every client I have ever coached is about the nature of “selfishness”. More and more I find myself questioning the very coherence of this concept. How can one be selfish? Humans are a social species, and there is no possible way to exist or act in isolation from others. I think it’s time to reframe this, so let’s do that here. I think there are more productive and helpful frames through which to view the question of what we tend to call “selfishness”.
First, a couple of observations about visions of the “self”.
1️⃣ My introverted fantasy and solipsistic vision… Introverts often dream of isolation. Or it seems that way on the surface at least. Here’s my version of that fantasy. A beautiful cabin in the woods near a lake surrounded by walking trails. A comfortable study with rich, mahogany wood and plush furniture. A library of elegant volumes containing great works of literature, history, ideas, theology. A widescreen TV to watch my favorite films and discover new ones. Delicious, nourishing food on demand. No one but me to enjoy all of this.
That’s my “selfish” vision. See the fallacy? I can’t create or maintain any of that. I don’t have the skills to build the house or cultivate the trails. I would have to clean the house and reupholster the furniture. I would need to buy and prepare the food. Without the context of life itself none of the literature or films, all of which provide commentary on behavior and relationships, would have any relevance. The ideas, stories, and narratives all come through thinkers and creators, who are other people with whom we enter relationships by consuming their content. I blissfully imagine isolation which is a metaphysical impossibility for a species as social as ours.
2️⃣ The story of a lady I know… She is successful, but was recently challenged to think about what she wants, as opposed to everyone else, on whose needs she had been unhealthfully fixated. She told me she desires space in her morning to walk, pray, and visualize. She wants a house on the water, which would also serve as a retreat center for other women. And she wanted a speaking career to share her inspiring message. Did you catch what happened? Yes, it starts with her, with managing her energy and visualizing the future. But it quickly left her and moved to others. The house for her family and friends. The retreat center for colleagues. The speaking career for audiences all over the world, inevitably supported by a high-performing team to cover her professional gaps.
Do you see what happens? Ask anyone what they want and it will quickly become a description of the way they wish to relate to all other humans. In order to live in peace we need to satisfy our respective political jurisdictions. To enjoy our families we need to give and receive love in a highly reciprocal way. And to make the money we desire we must provide a worthwhile service to satisfied customers in cooperation with a harmonious team. How can we say any of this is selfish? The concept quickly loses coherence to me.
I think that to level the criticism of selfishness is a holdover from previous societal norms that made sense at the time. At certain points it was crucial for people to be truly self-sacrificial and do whatever was demanded in the interest of building civilization. The Protestant work ethic reinforced this. Any such sense of this is a vestige of an increasingly obsolete moral order.
The world is awash in a new level of freedom and abundance, and it is stimulating the vision of many of us to dream of new realms of entrepreneurial and creative achievement. And none of these are possible without the support of numerous others, which means that selfishness is meaningless.
All that matters is the sustainability of our agreements. If we can enter into agreements with others which allow us to live the life we desire, that is all that matters, and all that we must honor, which is by definition not selfish. Selfishness is an arbitrary and antiquated label. Many leaders fear that they are selfish, but I suspect this is merely a product of a high level of self-awareness the savviness with formulating such agreements that comes with it. Again, it is a common conversation for me to have with my clients.
But fear not. It is meaningless, because all creation, success, prosperity, and esteem comes through other people in some way shape or form, so it’s not something you need to worry about. Envision your ideal life, and craft the agreements its realization demands. That is our new freedom and power. Self. Others. All the same. There is no such thing as “selfishness”.